Coming Out

Coming out, it's such a hard thing to do..

You wonder who's going to judge you, leave you and criticize you..

Who'll stick by you and encourge or

Who'll break you down, bring you down and tear you down

And no, I'm not "coming out" in the typical sense that you think so 

You can stop holding your breath

What I'm coming out with is with something I feel 

Is necessary to say, my struggles

We all have struggles, none of us can lie

So I'm coming out with my struggle with an ED

An ED, what's that you ask?

An eating disorder, plain and simple,

Or at least I thought it was until I had one, or rather have had one

See like so many others I thought it was something made up

Something that I was not capable of having

It started innocently, with exercise, eating healthy

Then with more exercise, more eating healthy

More and more exercise, brought the beginning of restricting

And more restricting, until I got rid of the exercise

Because I was to weak to do my sacred exercise

More restricting until before I knew it I had fallen into a relationship

With my new love Bulimia

It was a blissful love affair

One I thought was so wonderful, I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want

Ah my love affair, like all relationships began wither, it began to become gloomy

Before long, it was strangling me, choking me, holding me back

But my dear ED, how could I let it go?

My only real relationship, it was the only thing I knew

It became me crutch, my lifeline

Since it had tricked me into beleiveing it was only it I needed 

So I pushed others out of my life...

My precious ED was my only friend and though I wanted to break it off

How could I?

ED reminded me of all the positives it was giving me

"Listen to all the comments you keep getting" 

With the typical, "Omg, you look so good!" "Omg, what's your secret?" "Wow, your so beautiful"

ED whispered to me that I was finally pretty, finally skinny, finally the "ideal"

It reminded me if I broke it off, I would end up back at where I was, fat and ugly

So, I listened to the lies, the lies, pure lies, that ED spewed

Why am I coming out with this?

Not for anyone's sympathy, empathy or whatever

Not for attention or recognition

For the pure fact that we all have struggles. 

This was and is my struggle. I want to one day say it was my struggle.

ED's are becoming so common these days and often at times you can never tell

Often at times, ED are only associated with white women, prevalent only in the white society

So having an ED and being black? Is a complete taboo

You view yourself as a failure, perhaps an oreo, deffective

Black women don't have ED's or so they say

Black women are confident, bold and march to the beat of their own drum

Living in a society where the ideal image is white female, thin and blonde

Eventually does begin to make an impact on you

Combine that with an already low self esteem and an ED has a perfect breeding ground

In a society where thin is the ideal, there becomes no room for variation

So as is predicted, one begins to exmaine oneself,

My hips are too big, my stomach not flat enough, my arms not firm enough

Add a little criticism here and there from who ever and you may begin the grounds of an abusive relationship

Living with an ED is not glorious, and it's certainly not a choice that one makes

ED doesn't have a colour, race or age

Yes it may be more common in the white community

But think of all those black, asian, indian, etc women that are too ashamed to deal with their ED

For fear of ridicule or shame?

Those women that are crying out for help but can't because of course society has decided that

Only certain women are "accepted" in developing ED and receiving treatment

When are we going to wake up and realize that what society SAYS

Is complete garabage?

Why is it ED's are so common in Western society but not others?

We are so media obessed, we don't even have time for other things

When are we going to realize that women are SUPPOSED to come in all different sizes, colours, and shapes

We're all beautiful no matter

And yes I have to say it

If, there's that one guy that says your not this enough or not fit enough or whatever

Well he can go, you know...w.e himself because we should NOT  exist or live for what others tell us

Having an ED has taught me so much, about my self and others

About society and how messed up its become

So coming out? Was my choice

I don't care who sits and judges me, ridicules me, calls me a failure or whatever

Because I'm slowly learning that I LIVE for Me and my Maker

Not you, or you or him

But me

Not my scale, whether it goes up or down

Not the magazines, or billboards, or movies or WHATEVER

I am ME and I am going to learn to accept me

And we all should too, male or female, regardless of race, or age

Whether its an ED, or some other body image issue we all have struggles

We all have something we scrutinize ourselves over

Sorry this so all over the place, in no direction...

So next time you find yourself harshly criticizing yourself

Think about whether its because of society standards or if it's really actually purely you

So I came out big deal, we're all human

And I'm choosing to speak

Speak about things that are often skeletons in our closet

That are often ignored and condemened

Finally, I came out to tell ED I'm leaving you

I'm begining to make it without you, and if you thought it was until death do us part

You were mistaken

Life will move on without you, and we both know it

I came out to encourage all you that are struggling with anything

No matter what, it gets better and

We all heal, as I'm slowly healing.

Where did the Yesterdays Go?

Time

Time. It's a funny thing, a weird concept. We usually dont think of... 

Or perhaps we do, but in a different way..

We have these ideas of time, these definitions and hypotheses of what we think it is..

Time, we think is 24 hours...it's minutes and seconds, days, weeks, months, and years

Time is.. say well:  time to go to school, time to eat, sleep, walk, sing, dance, work

Ok I think you get the point. We've simply put time into these categorical structures...

We've labeled it and think we've mastered and harnessed it, contained it...

And at this supposed great human accomplishment we seem to rejoice and celebrate it, because we claimed we've

Rebelled and defied it...

HMMM....really now? Are we going blind?

News flash, we haven't. And this news flash just came to me one day, kind of like

Some sort of epiphany...you know, sort of like when you realize your lifes calling, an answer to your problems, or something stupid like why the sky is blue, or the reason why your room smelt like salami, probably because of that rotting cheese under your bed...I think you get the point but ANYWAYS....

I never realized how inferior I was as a mere human being to time...

I was born, raised by my family all in a matter of time...

Went to elementary school, learned how to ride a bike, tie my shoes...

All those were mere fragments of time...

The lazy childhood summer days, spent playing cops and robbers, fighting with stick swords, making forts

Running after each other until our lungs burst, getting all dirtied up and having our mothers holler at us for dinner...those were...

All simple moments of time and then we

Went to highschool where there, we all thought we were too invincible for time

We thought, 4 years, will take ages of time to finish, we'll have a blast in the meantime

Yet, as naiive as we were, time gave us a rude awakening

Because in mere minutues as it seems now, we were all getting our drivers licenses, writing final exams, walking the stage,  receiving our diplomas...

Stressing over universities, Planning our prom, going crazy over our dresses, dancing our little hearts out and thinking we would have the time of our lives...

And we did, but time didnt give us a chance to slow it down and enjoy those mere flashes of time

And you know how I know? 

Because its been 2 years since those highschool days and I find myself reminising and dreaming of those days

missing my childhood phase

I find myself even though constantly annoyed with silly high school kids, envying them and wanting to yell at them

by saying, TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! ENJOY IT ALL BECAUSE IVE BEEN THERE AND ITS GOING TO BE RIPPED AWAY FROM YOUR LITTLE SOULS!! YES, i feel it needs to be screamed...but yet even then they probably still wont listen...I know I didn't...I'd laugh at those like parents that would tell me to enjoy my time..because i thought...pfffffft what do they know, they're old...Silly old me, silly old us, we were in for a shock... a high voltage one too.. :/

What happend to those lazy summer days, calm summer nights, semi long school days, detention rooms, lunch recess, locker bays, cafeteria spares, Pd days, summatives, field trips, pizza days, talk to the hand nonsense, cooties, love, crushes, evil teachers, tucking in bed, annoying parents, arthur marathons, rugrats, forts, snow man building, frisbee days, beep test, babysitters, hall passes, skipping, school dances, windowless schools, lunch trading, student of the month, talent shows, dripping ice cream cones, homemade lemonade stands, agendas, nsync, land before time, spice girls, backstreet boys, plastic backyard pools, four square, dreams of being a cowboy, superstar, hating brocolli, spinach and all those veggies, visiting mcdees and happy meals, double dutch, hhhaah remember sailor moom? pokemon? and digimon YTV?? furbies, assemblies, unairconditioned classrooms, no cell phone policies, parent teacher interviews...the list can go on and on...BUT...

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO IT ALL? where did time take it all to? 

Now ALL we're left with is THE after math, we've moved away, grown up, some have died, some have changed, dissappeared, graduated, are in 2nd, 3rd and 4th years...we all never have time for eachother

And complain about the duties and responsibilies we have now....and whoes fault is it all?

For a while i was so angry...wanted to find someone to blame...most of us blame time for not having simply any time...and of course we should all be mad...! lets start a rebellion over time we say and its vicious nature...it robs us of our duty of life, living and enjoying...it's always chasing us and stressing us....Time, for the most of us has become our enemy... our despised foe...before long its going to have us doing things like getting married, having kids, a career and sooner or later, it'll wither us down into retirement and have us remenicing about our middle aged life, while we begin our old age years and watch our kids go through and discover the same fated cycle...time gahhh ughh makes me so darn mad...if only UGHH...!!!!!!!!!!!

But wait...you know, if you really think about it, time is not the enemy

Just stop and think...real hard...are you? Stop......

Now...THINK...!

No. time my friends is not the villain. It simply reminds...of how we as people have become ignorant and arrogant about time...

We are the ones to blame if we find ourselves running out of time...we go about our lives thinking that we have all the time in the world...and even im gulity of it...thninking that o well i'll do that tomorrow because i;ll have time...i'll say sorry tommorrow, because i dont have the time now, ill do this and that and blah blah later because its when we think we'll have the time...and the consequences? we find ourselves in a constant rush, in dumbstruck moments wondering where it all went, moments where friends and loved ones die and we regret this or that, or if only i took the time....

TIME. TIME. TIME. TIME. TIME. it's ticking and tocking, and yet we're missing the point, we're taking it for granted. TIME....

Is...therefore not the enemy...WE ARE.

TIME....look it up if you still don't get it....

LEARN it, LIVE it, TATTOO IT, do whatever you have to do to, i don't care.. just remember...

TIME. DOESN'T STOP for you, it never has, never will...

hmmm, i think it's time for us to all wake up...don't you?

Ironically enough, I just finished thinking, oh it's probably only 10 45, don't worry you got time and I look now and it's 11:55?

Clearly I've got room for improvement....we all do...

I've Decided

I’ve decided...

Decided? Yes, its derived from decision

So what I mean I guess, is that I’ve decided..to well..make a decision

Well actually I’ve made many decisions in my life...one’s I can say I’m not too proud of...

Decisions that have torn me down, broken my spirit, extinguished my fire and strangled my will power

Decisions that made me weep, want to scream and never be seen

I had gotten to a point where I had let these decisions rule me and take over me

But I realized something had to change, or rather God whispered to me: seek me and your life will never be the same...

So what did I decide? Ya, I never got to explaining my decision

I’ve decided that I’m not going to be bound, wound and beaten by the things that this world throws at me

I’m not going to live my days worrying about things that don’t matter, or things that just are and cannot be changed

I’m not going to be consumed by negative thoughts and beliefs

Instead...I’ve decided I’m breaking free, seeking Him, the way the truth and the light

And because of this decision I’m breathing once again...laughing and singing, dancing and sprinting

Doesn’t mean I won’t have moments, where worry sets in and doubt tries to plant its seed

No one said life was perfect...But at the same time...

I’ve realized that it’s worth living and so with that

I’ve again decided that I’ll be strong and believe...

Believe in myself and what I’m capable of through my makers guidance

I’ve decided that my struggles weren’t meant to tear me down...but instead build me up...

I’ve decided they had purpose and because of them, I’m on the journey to becoming...

Becoming a strong woman, in body, mind and soul

I’ve decided to never again let anyone bring me down

I’ve decided to feel beautiful, and love and accept myself no matter what

I’ve decided that I can’t do any of this alone without God’s help

And I’ve decided that life’s a continuous journey and discovery...

So many decisions I’ve made, though I probably can’t list them all

And so I leave with this...

Simply that...

I’ve decided...

Me On Rewind

Me on Rewind: Perhaps I’ll Fast Forward Soon

It’s been days, weeks, months and surprisingly now almost a year.

The time’s gone by and with it my mood, temparement and personality has shifted.

I remenisce about the days, when I’d be crazy, fun, stupid

Laughter would be constantly pouring from my soul, a way of expressing my bubbly curious self

People were my forte, loving being around them, learning about them and experiecing whatever with them

Those were so the days, that even though I struggled with, it had’nt consumed me yet

Loudness, craziness, bubbliness, funness, all the positive nesses were part of me and life was never  a dull moment

In where the sun always seemed to shine in little instances, moments of life

But then hard times came my way, the clouds moved in, the sky darkened to an almost palapable blackness

That sunshine I often glittered in died down into almost nothing, actually it became nothing

Laughter became scarce, spontinaity was a rarity and seclusion now became my forte

Moods blackened, negativity became my cruch, my very lifeline

I never realized that when ‘it’ came how much it sucked a part of me out of me

How much it stole, cheated and lied to me

How much it paralyzed and left me in complete darkness

When ‘it’ had almost consumed me, I decided to hit pause, sit back and zoom out of life and ponder

Looking at that image of everything and how it was engulfing every aspect of life, I simply decided

That I wanted to rewind...can you imagine if life was simply on rewind?

I wanted to rewind to the sunshine moments, the crazy blissful moments,

The bubbly full of laugther, laugh-so-hard-until-your-stomach-hurt moments...

The spontaneous moments, just all the fun, carefree, problem-free moments,

But life isn’t programmed on pause, or rewind and the sooner I realized this

The better I was doing for myself as i began to try to attain and get back those sunshine moments

As I began to try, bit by bit and piece by piece to get back parts of my personality, my temperament...

As I tried to improve my mood, and try and grasp for those sunshine moments

It hasn’t been easy, no one ever said it was easy...

But writing this has made me realize I liked the majority of me on rewind...

Me on rewind was the fun me, the crazy me, the young me and

Although I may probably never get rewind me at one hundred percent,

I’m pretty darn sure I can attain most of it back, bit by bit, piece by piece,

One day at a time...

Hmm, now if only I could fast-forward and get the ‘me’ on rewind sooner...

Perhaps I’ll do that, fast-forward soon that is...But actually i’ll just keep this pace and be patient,

Because just like a good movie on fast-forward, I may miss the good parts.

By Wangui Muya

A Time and a Place

A time and a place.
There's a time and place
A moment and an instance
Where things will stop, minutes will cease, seconds will halt
A time when one will realize that loathing, and hating oneself
Is a mere waste of time, useless past time
That slowly eats away at you and erodes your inner being
Theres a TIME and A PLACE when
One realizes they have to break free of what holds them and binds them
There's a time and a place when one finally realizes that
Once you can enjoy being you, then the rest will follow...
 So remember There's simply a time and a place
And I'm still waiting.

Relapse...

So, I've been struggling with an ED for a couple of months now. And let me tell you it hasnt been easy. The worst of it were the darkest times in my life. But I decided this past Feb (early in the month) that I would get on track to doing better. And the result? My life has improved by like 200% and I have God to thank for that. I went 2 weeks w/ proper eating then had an "episode". Luckily at that time I talked myself out of it. However just this past sunday I had another episode (so two weeks from the last episode) and then again I had one today. I'm kind of beginning to freak out because I really don't want to go back to the old me. I like my life now and I like eating healthy and feeeling healthy and living and breathing. God knows I don't want to be consumed by this disorder again... So what am I gonna do? Well, I pray. Stop, think, then get back up and try again and again. I'm not giving up!