Bold and Beautiful

Feb 14.2013
The calendar read. Valentine's Day. And what was this gal up to that day?
Flowers? Chocolates? Candle lit dinner? Kisses? Dates? A lover?

Nope.

Instead. I made a rather drastic decision. Off I snuck into my little bathroom and ran the shower. A hot oil treatment I was about to do. But as I got out of the shower and looked into the steamy mirror and wiped the mist away, the reflection that stared back at me shocked me. My hair! My poor hair! They say hair is a woman's shining glory. And to my horror mine had become a mere nightmare...My hairline had disappeared quite drastically and was thinning and shedding with increased intensity as the days progressed...A sense of depression and desparation fell over me...There was NO WAY--NO WAY that I would watch my hair, which I had spent two years (almost 2 years--feb 19th, 2011 was my BC anniversary) of hard work growing my hair only to watch it fall out. I realized that this was what I got a as a result of my eating disorder. One of the many consequences, as I had and still am suffering from low estrogen levels. So anyways..................(back to the point) what did I decide to do as I stared at my reflection that Valentine's day?

*drumroll*

You guessed it. I opened the cabinet and grabbed a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut. I just cut and cut and cut and lost track of time. By the time I looked up, my reflection told a different story. A short haired beauty was staring back at me. And yes I said BEAUTY! But it wasn't complete. So I went to bed and the following day, I returned back to that bathroom mirror and this time I reached for my razor (yes my shaving razor) and I proceeded to shave my head. I shaved until I couldn't shave any more. And when I was done, I was completely and utterly skin bald. And to my surprise, I LIKED IT! They say hair is a woman's shining glory; but in my case my hair wasn't co-operating with me. And so my bald, shiny head has become MY shining glory. I stare back at it, and I'm proud of it. Some like it, while others are confused by it.

I realize I've broken a social norm. Women almost all of the time have hair and are identified by it. But I have defied society and have gone against the grain and have proclaimed my own social norm. And I'm liking it--I'm liking the Bold and the Beautiful life. :)

2012 to 2013 and the search of Home...

2013. IT'S finally here...Well, I'm a bit late in welcoming in the new year but better late than never. Right?
I think reflection is a necessary part of every area in life; thus 2012 deserves some reflection, as well as the reflection in relation to my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Two-oh-one-two...what can I say about that year?
It was a year I declared I would change, be transformed, cured, healed
It was a year I said I would work harder, love harder, fight harder
A year I set so many goals only for them to be on a disastrous road come February

Looking back 2012 was interesting to say none the least...
What happened? Like many out there I started off the year with a lot of motivation and some
kind of supernatural momentum
I promised myself that I would beat my ED, begin to love my body
improve my self esteem, work harder in school
be nicer to my brother, appreciative of my parents
even imagine, that i would run a marathon--a friggin' marathon!

There are so so many other goals that I made up
all of which are too hazy for me to remember
But what I do remember was that in spite of drafting and composing all of these goals
I seemed to have relinquished Jesus from my mind...
Oh, but I did think of Him...
However it seems as if it was when times were rather dire and morose
Gloomy and depressing
It seems as if I were using Him only when times got rough and turning my back
and calling out "adios" when the clouds cleared...

2012, I've realized was the year, well not really THE year but one of the many years
in which i simply placed Jesus on the back burner and only "accessed" Him when it felt convenient
How is that any way to live? 2012 I feel like I merely existed
yet despite my rejection and rebellion, He never left me...
despite my relapse later in the year, I felt that there were days that He wept with me
Days that He breathed life into my when I thought I could not do it anymore
2012 He kept me safe, while I abused my body and tore down His temple

And it was 2012 that He clearly told me that life was not meant be mere existence
2012, He began the process of calling me to Him, as there were so many times
in which he whispered in my ear, "my daughter, come back home..."
and even though i ignored His calls, not once but several times over...
He never gave up and it was the end of 2012, or perhaps the wee hours of 2013
in which i decided, i better pack my bags and make on back home...

And as it's now 2013, and I've past packing,
I know I'm slowly making it closer to the way home...
And that my Saviour, confident, friend, the one and only
Jesus Christ is walking with me and guiding me to my ultimate
destination of a place that I can really call home.

Weight

Weight

Comes in pounds, kilograms, grams

Different units of measure

Weight

Exertion of gravity

A concept of newton

A simple number

Yet it has so much of an impact

Haha no pun intended

Weight

Such a simple concept

Controls the mind of millions

Dictates so many moods

Actions, decisions

Dictates business aspects

And imprisons minds

Weight

Something that was once a rather

Unimportant concept to me

Yet somehow I found myself

Becoming obsessed, overwhelmed and consumed by it

And the more I thought about it

The more I was convinced I would be happier

If my weight decreased

And it did

For a while I was happier

Felt sexier

Appeared prettier

A better person inside and out

Yet it wasn’t enough

And the more I thought about it

The more desperate I became

The crazier I got

And so the weight went down

Whatever way possible

And yet so did my character

Gone was my classic smile

My laugh,  that ringing giggle

Gone was my passion

Gone was my once thought limited confidence

Gone was my sense of hope

For I’d become a light weight

Literally and figuratively

And its taken me this long to

Figure out

I really was happier when my weight

Was greater

I was livlier

Bolder

If you think I’m crazy now then

You should’ve met me 3 years ago

For I was crazier

‘Funner’ and I’m even

Going to dare say prettier

Now all that’s left

Is an empty shell

A struggling soul

A worn out heart

And a fed up

Woman that once seemed to

Have it all except that ‘ideal’ weight

And now even though I’ve achieved the

Ideal ‘weight’, I’ve got nothing to show for it

But resentfulness, spite, anger

Shame, disgust and despair

It’s really a never ending cycle

Yet meet me, chat with me

Greet me and you’d never know

Because I’m good at cracking a smile

Laughing like it’s genuine

As I’ve become so good at hiding

My discontent, sadness

And brokenness

I’ve become an expert

At upholding

This never ending cyclic façade

Because no one seems to see right

Through me

And there’s just sometimes

That I wish for once someone

Somewhere would see

Just once, crystal clear directly

Through me

Maybe they’d see my tears in weight

That I’m constantly holding in

Maybe they’d see an unconfident woman

A broken spirit

A worried soul

Maybe they’d see a lonely girl

That really once was happy...

As for now the concept of happy

Seems so foreign yet so unfinished…

Defeat

Empty.cold.broken

Damp.cold.forgotten

Feels like I’m dying inside

Rusting, decaying and molding

Ugliness, consuming, burning, raging

Have you ever felt ugly?

Disgusting, hideous, despicable

Felt so unattractive that you just wanted

To simply disappear?

Sometimes disappearing would be easier

Than feeling this

So much despair until it feels like

This is all I was ever meant to feel

Am I that broken?

That shattered, disfigured?

It makes me wonder, or rather worry

Can I even be ever seen as beautiful?

Ever have something reciprocrated?

Or am I forever meant to catch a glance from the outside

Staring through the glass wall

Watching those around me live

In bliss and all their surrounded beauty

Can I be loved?

Do I want to be loved?

Or do I simply want to crumble and be no more?

I’m tired, and perhaps I really don’t know anymore

Or maybe I’ve just given up trying

And for now I’m fine with that

For there is nothing more I can do

And I’m so tired of hoping

Only to have the sense of it broken

And so as depressing as it sounds,

I’ve simply accepted defeated

For it’s much easier that way

Accepted defeat. Welcomed it,

Applauded it…

I’ve accepted defeat

For in doing so

I manage to hold to what’s left

Of my withering sanity

Crushes.

Crushes. We've had a lot of em'
Through elementary, middle school, high school
They've just existed since we discovered the opposite sex...
Crushes. Make me giddy, dreamy, hopeful, wishful
Like a kid on Christmas eve; antsy, nervous...
Man, the list can go on and on and---ON!
Crushes. Yet ever wondered why they're called crushes?
Why not Blushes? Makes sense since that's what the majority of..
People do when they have them...
Crushes. Why aren't they called something else?
Because that's what they're meant to do...
Crush. Crush. CRUSH!
Constricting that poor little heart of yours...
As you lay at night and keep those poor eyes of yours wide open...
Tossing and turning...
While you think, hope for, and wonder about your 'crush'
Crushes. Meant to crush, snap, break that little heart of yours into two...
Why the negativity dear writer? Why the hate, and the cynism?
Aren't some of us lucky? Some of us manage to bewitch our crushes...
Snag them and capture them...
End up happily ever after with our crushes...
But for the majority of us, at one point or another, our crushes have...
Have...
Demolished. Broken. Stolen. Stomped on. Forgotten. Ripped. Thrown Away. Torn Apart. Crushed.
Burned. Destroyed. Vaporized. Exploded...Oh the synonyms are endless...
Crushes. They get the better of us, throw us off guard...
Oh dear writer, perhaps you're just bitter, jealous, and desperate
Maybe yes, Maybe no...
But dear reader, remember this...
Dear reader remember crushes only crush because we give 'them' power over us
Crushes only crush when we look at our lives through that one instant...
Crushes, oh  dear reader only crush when we forget who we are
When we forget our worth, and how special, wonderful we are as our each individual selves...
Crushes only crush when we place our worth in them
So dear writer, have you been crushed by this phenomenon known as a 'crush'?
My dear reader, what do you think my response shall be?
Dear reader, of course I've been crushed, crushed...
In fact trampled on and then some...
If the number of crushing crushes had a world record...
Well this writer probably would get first place...
Yet, dear dear beloved reader, take note that this writer
Has learned that crushes are just that--they're crushes...
Fragments in time where one is transfixed on another...
Yet they eventually fade and become things of the past...
My dear reader so am I bitter? No...
I've simply learnt that crushes are what you make them out to be...
They never really crush, unless you let them.
Crushes crush when we lose focus of who we are and 
Our priceless worth. 
My dear reader I leave you with this, simply that: Beating yourself up
over these things called crushes, isn't worth your tears or time...
Know and learn your worth,
As your life is worth so much more.

Jump Start My Heart

There's a missing link. A sort of hole in my heart...
Actually it feels more like a gaping hole, in that I can't rest my soul
Why do I feel this way, like my life is forever trying to start?
Like the pages of my journey has taken ages to be written...
But when I stop and think, it hits me-- that perhaps my rebellion has played a part..
I've for so long, tried to do my own thing, as I'm far too headstrong, live my own life, like a sort of dance floor song
Yet it's becoming quite the struggle, a constant uphill battle...
Lord help me please, reach out and give me ease
I'm becoming weary, and life's become too dreary...
But I know your word, as I've heard in Psalms 119:107
Brings life and light to the dark corners of my life
Lord give me a hunger, and wake me from my slumber
For I long to be set free by you, to soar on the wings of eagles, so Lord please hear my plea
As I've come to realize that the missing link in my heart, is only filled by your living word
So please Father God, change me, shape me, and recreate my world...
And before your finished with me, dear Father, please jump start my beaten heart...

This is Your Life

Wondering...

I’m lying here, at the wee hours of the morning, still up from failing to fall asleep

Just wondering and pondering, on I don’t know what...My minds racing, swimming with

Random thoughts like...

Have you ever been a room full of people and felt alone? Have you ever felt like you were breaking inside, yet you had to smile for the world to see? Have you ever felt like you were just about to fall off the edge, give up and check out? Felt like laughter was rare and happiness was a mere myth? Ha I know this is deep but I’ve so very often found myself there...I’ve wondered if I was a good person, a nice person, sometimes even worried that maybe deep inside there was this dark side of me...I’ve worried that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or whatever enough...I’ve wondered simply wondered so many things, most of them at these odd hours of the night, when the world’s asleep...Random thoughts just bombard my mind, spiralling and spinning into I don’t even know what

Yet, with all this, I know I’m not alone...There are many others like me, wondering, thinking and pondering, because let’s face it, we’re all not perfect, no one is, we all seek approval, affection, acceptance...But as I lay here and think, I realize the wondering is the human worldly part of me, its redundant..Because time and time again I realize the only acceptance, affection, that I need comes from God, and from there I’m beginning to see myself in a different way...This has been all over the place, but bottom line, if we open our hearts and let Him in, He’ll change us in ways we never dreamed; because I’m simply tired of dreaming, I want to live it.<3