Weight

Weight

Comes in pounds, kilograms, grams

Different units of measure

Weight

Exertion of gravity

A concept of newton

A simple number

Yet it has so much of an impact

Haha no pun intended

Weight

Such a simple concept

Controls the mind of millions

Dictates so many moods

Actions, decisions

Dictates business aspects

And imprisons minds

Weight

Something that was once a rather

Unimportant concept to me

Yet somehow I found myself

Becoming obsessed, overwhelmed and consumed by it

And the more I thought about it

The more I was convinced I would be happier

If my weight decreased

And it did

For a while I was happier

Felt sexier

Appeared prettier

A better person inside and out

Yet it wasn’t enough

And the more I thought about it

The more desperate I became

The crazier I got

And so the weight went down

Whatever way possible

And yet so did my character

Gone was my classic smile

My laugh,  that ringing giggle

Gone was my passion

Gone was my once thought limited confidence

Gone was my sense of hope

For I’d become a light weight

Literally and figuratively

And its taken me this long to

Figure out

I really was happier when my weight

Was greater

I was livlier

Bolder

If you think I’m crazy now then

You should’ve met me 3 years ago

For I was crazier

‘Funner’ and I’m even

Going to dare say prettier

Now all that’s left

Is an empty shell

A struggling soul

A worn out heart

And a fed up

Woman that once seemed to

Have it all except that ‘ideal’ weight

And now even though I’ve achieved the

Ideal ‘weight’, I’ve got nothing to show for it

But resentfulness, spite, anger

Shame, disgust and despair

It’s really a never ending cycle

Yet meet me, chat with me

Greet me and you’d never know

Because I’m good at cracking a smile

Laughing like it’s genuine

As I’ve become so good at hiding

My discontent, sadness

And brokenness

I’ve become an expert

At upholding

This never ending cyclic façade

Because no one seems to see right

Through me

And there’s just sometimes

That I wish for once someone

Somewhere would see

Just once, crystal clear directly

Through me

Maybe they’d see my tears in weight

That I’m constantly holding in

Maybe they’d see an unconfident woman

A broken spirit

A worried soul

Maybe they’d see a lonely girl

That really once was happy...

As for now the concept of happy

Seems so foreign yet so unfinished…

Defeat

Empty.cold.broken

Damp.cold.forgotten

Feels like I’m dying inside

Rusting, decaying and molding

Ugliness, consuming, burning, raging

Have you ever felt ugly?

Disgusting, hideous, despicable

Felt so unattractive that you just wanted

To simply disappear?

Sometimes disappearing would be easier

Than feeling this

So much despair until it feels like

This is all I was ever meant to feel

Am I that broken?

That shattered, disfigured?

It makes me wonder, or rather worry

Can I even be ever seen as beautiful?

Ever have something reciprocrated?

Or am I forever meant to catch a glance from the outside

Staring through the glass wall

Watching those around me live

In bliss and all their surrounded beauty

Can I be loved?

Do I want to be loved?

Or do I simply want to crumble and be no more?

I’m tired, and perhaps I really don’t know anymore

Or maybe I’ve just given up trying

And for now I’m fine with that

For there is nothing more I can do

And I’m so tired of hoping

Only to have the sense of it broken

And so as depressing as it sounds,

I’ve simply accepted defeated

For it’s much easier that way

Accepted defeat. Welcomed it,

Applauded it…

I’ve accepted defeat

For in doing so

I manage to hold to what’s left

Of my withering sanity