Bold and Beautiful

Feb 14.2013
The calendar read. Valentine's Day. And what was this gal up to that day?
Flowers? Chocolates? Candle lit dinner? Kisses? Dates? A lover?

Nope.

Instead. I made a rather drastic decision. Off I snuck into my little bathroom and ran the shower. A hot oil treatment I was about to do. But as I got out of the shower and looked into the steamy mirror and wiped the mist away, the reflection that stared back at me shocked me. My hair! My poor hair! They say hair is a woman's shining glory. And to my horror mine had become a mere nightmare...My hairline had disappeared quite drastically and was thinning and shedding with increased intensity as the days progressed...A sense of depression and desparation fell over me...There was NO WAY--NO WAY that I would watch my hair, which I had spent two years (almost 2 years--feb 19th, 2011 was my BC anniversary) of hard work growing my hair only to watch it fall out. I realized that this was what I got a as a result of my eating disorder. One of the many consequences, as I had and still am suffering from low estrogen levels. So anyways..................(back to the point) what did I decide to do as I stared at my reflection that Valentine's day?

*drumroll*

You guessed it. I opened the cabinet and grabbed a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut. I just cut and cut and cut and lost track of time. By the time I looked up, my reflection told a different story. A short haired beauty was staring back at me. And yes I said BEAUTY! But it wasn't complete. So I went to bed and the following day, I returned back to that bathroom mirror and this time I reached for my razor (yes my shaving razor) and I proceeded to shave my head. I shaved until I couldn't shave any more. And when I was done, I was completely and utterly skin bald. And to my surprise, I LIKED IT! They say hair is a woman's shining glory; but in my case my hair wasn't co-operating with me. And so my bald, shiny head has become MY shining glory. I stare back at it, and I'm proud of it. Some like it, while others are confused by it.

I realize I've broken a social norm. Women almost all of the time have hair and are identified by it. But I have defied society and have gone against the grain and have proclaimed my own social norm. And I'm liking it--I'm liking the Bold and the Beautiful life. :)

2012 to 2013 and the search of Home...

2013. IT'S finally here...Well, I'm a bit late in welcoming in the new year but better late than never. Right?
I think reflection is a necessary part of every area in life; thus 2012 deserves some reflection, as well as the reflection in relation to my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Two-oh-one-two...what can I say about that year?
It was a year I declared I would change, be transformed, cured, healed
It was a year I said I would work harder, love harder, fight harder
A year I set so many goals only for them to be on a disastrous road come February

Looking back 2012 was interesting to say none the least...
What happened? Like many out there I started off the year with a lot of motivation and some
kind of supernatural momentum
I promised myself that I would beat my ED, begin to love my body
improve my self esteem, work harder in school
be nicer to my brother, appreciative of my parents
even imagine, that i would run a marathon--a friggin' marathon!

There are so so many other goals that I made up
all of which are too hazy for me to remember
But what I do remember was that in spite of drafting and composing all of these goals
I seemed to have relinquished Jesus from my mind...
Oh, but I did think of Him...
However it seems as if it was when times were rather dire and morose
Gloomy and depressing
It seems as if I were using Him only when times got rough and turning my back
and calling out "adios" when the clouds cleared...

2012, I've realized was the year, well not really THE year but one of the many years
in which i simply placed Jesus on the back burner and only "accessed" Him when it felt convenient
How is that any way to live? 2012 I feel like I merely existed
yet despite my rejection and rebellion, He never left me...
despite my relapse later in the year, I felt that there were days that He wept with me
Days that He breathed life into my when I thought I could not do it anymore
2012 He kept me safe, while I abused my body and tore down His temple

And it was 2012 that He clearly told me that life was not meant be mere existence
2012, He began the process of calling me to Him, as there were so many times
in which he whispered in my ear, "my daughter, come back home..."
and even though i ignored His calls, not once but several times over...
He never gave up and it was the end of 2012, or perhaps the wee hours of 2013
in which i decided, i better pack my bags and make on back home...

And as it's now 2013, and I've past packing,
I know I'm slowly making it closer to the way home...
And that my Saviour, confident, friend, the one and only
Jesus Christ is walking with me and guiding me to my ultimate
destination of a place that I can really call home.