Wondering...

I’m lying here, at the wee hours of the morning, still up from failing to fall asleep

Just wondering and pondering, on I don’t know what...My minds racing, swimming with

Random thoughts like...

Have you ever been a room full of people and felt alone? Have you ever felt like you were breaking inside, yet you had to smile for the world to see? Have you ever felt like you were just about to fall off the edge, give up and check out? Felt like laughter was rare and happiness was a mere myth? Ha I know this is deep but I’ve so very often found myself there...I’ve wondered if I was a good person, a nice person, sometimes even worried that maybe deep inside there was this dark side of me...I’ve worried that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or whatever enough...I’ve wondered simply wondered so many things, most of them at these odd hours of the night, when the world’s asleep...Random thoughts just bombard my mind, spiralling and spinning into I don’t even know what

Yet, with all this, I know I’m not alone...There are many others like me, wondering, thinking and pondering, because let’s face it, we’re all not perfect, no one is, we all seek approval, affection, acceptance...But as I lay here and think, I realize the wondering is the human worldly part of me, its redundant..Because time and time again I realize the only acceptance, affection, that I need comes from God, and from there I’m beginning to see myself in a different way...This has been all over the place, but bottom line, if we open our hearts and let Him in, He’ll change us in ways we never dreamed; because I’m simply tired of dreaming, I want to live it.<3 

2012 *random babble

2012. 2012...2012? It seems to me like this is the year...The year of what? I really don’t know but I’ve just been getting this feeling..not an uncomfortable one but an anxious...A year that I have a feeling will be a year of breakthroughs if I just put my faith in God and give him my all..Lately it’s been so hard to do so...Moving to a new city, new friends, new school and and new way of life has both been exciting and challenging...I miss home and my family and old way of life, yet I don’t miss what home represented, the last few years at home, the memories were somewhat painful, as I changed as a person and struggled with the things I struggled with and am still struggling with...So lately I’ve been getting weary, believing that God may abandon me or not want to help me in the areas of my life that I so desperately need him..2012, I want it to be year when I fall in love with God, like I never have before, I just want to give my all to him and not think 24/7 about things like relationships and success but just focus on him...Lately I’ve become so caught up and consumed with relationships..I mean as a young woman it’s only natural but I find my self beating my self over it..I’m 20, 21 later on this year and I feel like I’m defective, in the sense that I’ve never been a relationship before...By the world’s standards I’m a rarity and there must be something wrong with me, and so I find myself wanting to seek out a  relationship and asking God why me? What’s wrong with me in the sense that I haven’t ever been in one? Yet God seems to be reminding me time and time again that the worlds standards are NOT HIS STANDARDS and that I have to be patient..With so many other things I am not patient in, so I know God is teaching me patience...So in 2012, I want to let go of all these issues I have with relationships and focus on God, focus on allowing him to help me grow in him and become an overall better woman, friend, daughter...I just know that 2012 will be a year of growth and renewal if I just become proactive and reliant on HIM, and let him lead the way, God’s gotten me this far, and I’m not giving up on Him and His blessings, so bring it on 2012, I know through HIM, all things are possible...