Coming Out

Coming out, it's such a hard thing to do..

You wonder who's going to judge you, leave you and criticize you..

Who'll stick by you and encourge or

Who'll break you down, bring you down and tear you down

And no, I'm not "coming out" in the typical sense that you think so 

You can stop holding your breath

What I'm coming out with is with something I feel 

Is necessary to say, my struggles

We all have struggles, none of us can lie

So I'm coming out with my struggle with an ED

An ED, what's that you ask?

An eating disorder, plain and simple,

Or at least I thought it was until I had one, or rather have had one

See like so many others I thought it was something made up

Something that I was not capable of having

It started innocently, with exercise, eating healthy

Then with more exercise, more eating healthy

More and more exercise, brought the beginning of restricting

And more restricting, until I got rid of the exercise

Because I was to weak to do my sacred exercise

More restricting until before I knew it I had fallen into a relationship

With my new love Bulimia

It was a blissful love affair

One I thought was so wonderful, I could eat whatever I want, whenever I want

Ah my love affair, like all relationships began wither, it began to become gloomy

Before long, it was strangling me, choking me, holding me back

But my dear ED, how could I let it go?

My only real relationship, it was the only thing I knew

It became me crutch, my lifeline

Since it had tricked me into beleiveing it was only it I needed 

So I pushed others out of my life...

My precious ED was my only friend and though I wanted to break it off

How could I?

ED reminded me of all the positives it was giving me

"Listen to all the comments you keep getting" 

With the typical, "Omg, you look so good!" "Omg, what's your secret?" "Wow, your so beautiful"

ED whispered to me that I was finally pretty, finally skinny, finally the "ideal"

It reminded me if I broke it off, I would end up back at where I was, fat and ugly

So, I listened to the lies, the lies, pure lies, that ED spewed

Why am I coming out with this?

Not for anyone's sympathy, empathy or whatever

Not for attention or recognition

For the pure fact that we all have struggles. 

This was and is my struggle. I want to one day say it was my struggle.

ED's are becoming so common these days and often at times you can never tell

Often at times, ED are only associated with white women, prevalent only in the white society

So having an ED and being black? Is a complete taboo

You view yourself as a failure, perhaps an oreo, deffective

Black women don't have ED's or so they say

Black women are confident, bold and march to the beat of their own drum

Living in a society where the ideal image is white female, thin and blonde

Eventually does begin to make an impact on you

Combine that with an already low self esteem and an ED has a perfect breeding ground

In a society where thin is the ideal, there becomes no room for variation

So as is predicted, one begins to exmaine oneself,

My hips are too big, my stomach not flat enough, my arms not firm enough

Add a little criticism here and there from who ever and you may begin the grounds of an abusive relationship

Living with an ED is not glorious, and it's certainly not a choice that one makes

ED doesn't have a colour, race or age

Yes it may be more common in the white community

But think of all those black, asian, indian, etc women that are too ashamed to deal with their ED

For fear of ridicule or shame?

Those women that are crying out for help but can't because of course society has decided that

Only certain women are "accepted" in developing ED and receiving treatment

When are we going to wake up and realize that what society SAYS

Is complete garabage?

Why is it ED's are so common in Western society but not others?

We are so media obessed, we don't even have time for other things

When are we going to realize that women are SUPPOSED to come in all different sizes, colours, and shapes

We're all beautiful no matter

And yes I have to say it

If, there's that one guy that says your not this enough or not fit enough or whatever

Well he can go, you know...w.e himself because we should NOT  exist or live for what others tell us

Having an ED has taught me so much, about my self and others

About society and how messed up its become

So coming out? Was my choice

I don't care who sits and judges me, ridicules me, calls me a failure or whatever

Because I'm slowly learning that I LIVE for Me and my Maker

Not you, or you or him

But me

Not my scale, whether it goes up or down

Not the magazines, or billboards, or movies or WHATEVER

I am ME and I am going to learn to accept me

And we all should too, male or female, regardless of race, or age

Whether its an ED, or some other body image issue we all have struggles

We all have something we scrutinize ourselves over

Sorry this so all over the place, in no direction...

So next time you find yourself harshly criticizing yourself

Think about whether its because of society standards or if it's really actually purely you

So I came out big deal, we're all human

And I'm choosing to speak

Speak about things that are often skeletons in our closet

That are often ignored and condemened

Finally, I came out to tell ED I'm leaving you

I'm begining to make it without you, and if you thought it was until death do us part

You were mistaken

Life will move on without you, and we both know it

I came out to encourage all you that are struggling with anything

No matter what, it gets better and

We all heal, as I'm slowly healing.